I am a huge fan of physical touch! I would do well in an Italian or Greek family!
A big hug in greeting or goodbye.
A sympathetic hand to hold.
An empathetic shoulder to rest on.
I believe in the power of touch!
Which is why I believe touch needs to be incorporated in the litmus tests of relationships. Not everyone is a fan of touch. For whatever reason, they need their personal space and that must be respected!
Though most exercises can be adapted to accommodate even the most difficult of situations. It is all about building trust!
As a relationship coach, my go to are the six second kiss, the fifteen second hug and the general space tests.
The Six-second Kiss was coined by renowned marriage researcher John Gottman. When we kiss someone new, it’s exciting because it is our first time experiencing the other person intimately. We not only build up the anticipation in our minds, when the opportunity arises we slow down so we can take our time, bathe in it, get lost in the moment of intimacy, exploration, discovery and connection.
Once we are in a relationship, kissing becomes routine and the joy of exploration is over. We use kissing as a handshake, a “hi”, a “bye”, a “see you later”, or a gateway to other things. Rarely do we kiss to discover our partner in their new seasons of life. We forget the true meaning behind kissing; it is a way to express, connect, validate, assure, give, share, trust and explore. John Gottman recommends the practice of a six-second kiss, twice a day.
You heard that right.
Kiss your partner for six-seconds, twice a day. It will most likely feel very awkward at first, and I have no doubt that you and your partner can make jokes to help ease the awkwardness. It is okay! In fact embrace it, because this just means you are both in a position to try something new!
So practice and by all means enjoy practicing! Let that extra time remind you of why you are together, why you are both working on building or rebuilding your relationship.
This practice also works as a radar. If there are hurt feelings, if there’s bitterness or resentment, a six-second kiss will bring it to the surface, where both of you can acknowledge its existence!
And welcome to the world of healthy communication! When you start to feel anything, talk about it. Good and bad
While the six second kiss is immensely appropriate for intimate relationships with your partner- there are some relationships that require a different approach to the litmus test.
Familial or close friendships may benefit from the fifteen second hug. Less for the ability to “connect and discover” one another, but MORE for knowing who is a safe person in your circle. A safe person who accepts you for who you are. Who encourages you, challenges you to be better, who doesn’t allow mediocrity but celebrates authenticity!
We really only have three people, outside of our intimate partners, whom we would call close friends. We all know how difficult it can be to find those three close friends – this or the space test can be your best option!
The space test just requires you to stop, focus your thoughts on any one individual and sit with the feelings that may arise.
A lot of what I do as a coach is to have you step back and sit with the feelings or emotions you may be experiencing in a given situation.
My favorite quote is “knowing is half the battle” from GI Joe: how can we know how to improve, grow, better our lives if we don’t do the work to KNOW!
Work to know how you feel about all of your relationships, keeping them healthy and growing!
