“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brene Brown
The very title of this article can sound like an oxymoron – however the more I talk to people, the more I believe we do not allow shame to be the catalyst for change that it can really be.
*It is important to note that predators use shame to keep their victims in check! If you are a victim of abuse please reach out to a helpline!
As I work with people, I am very aware of just how difficult it can be to initiate change in a person’s life. And a lot of that difficulty stems from the individual struggling to come to terms with the shame and guilt they feel for their behavior.
If we look at shame defined: “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Let’s reframe that for personal growth – facing the humiliation or the distress that was caused by that conscious behavior is a powerful way to lean into the catalytic change that is possible through shame!
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
That statement right there is the heartbreaking truth as to why individuals spend so much time pushing away feelings of shame. What is wrapped up in that need for perfectionism is a self-centered focus rather than a growth mindset.
The biggest question I like to ask is what?
What is holding you back from being authentic?
What is holding you back from accountability?
What is holding you back from taking responsibility for your actions?
What feelings are behind those choices?
Are you afraid?
Afraid of failure?
Are there unrealistic expectations of perfection placed on you?
I tell everyone that I work with, you have to get into touch with your feelings – because those feelings are sneaky bastards. They can slip in and direct your choices in ways we may not fully realize until it’s too late and suddenly we have compounded the problem! We have built guilt upon shame, upon fear, upon insecurity and you find yourself running away or justifying the painful outcomes rather than growing through the pain.
They are called growing pains for a reason. We need to lean into our feelings to see those changes that we long to have in our life!
So how do we do this? How do we face our feelings of shame and use them as a catalyst for growth? Honestly, you could probably do it alone, but may I suggest a better avenue for success and safety…….Surround yourself with people who will love you regardless of your choices. Who shows grace under fire. Who creates a safe space for you to feel your feelings and who continues to meet you at the table to talk! When you bring trusted friends, or confidants into the conversation, you have the belief that they will love you regardless of how hard they challenge you. You know that they will encourage while they keep you accountable. You are protected when you are not in the room and judgments may try to find their way into conversations about you. Those are the people you want to invite to your table!
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” Brene Brown
The gift of shame is one that can bring so much personal growth as well as compassion for those who are struggling in their own shame spiral.
No one is perfect – we all make choices that can and do hurt others. Leaning into the shame or guilt as a result of those choices encourages us to be more cognizant of potential negative outcomes and then we make the necessary changes!
Let me help you embrace the gift of shame and use it as a catalyst for change!
I’d love to support you!
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On my personal websites or here at the SunTimes News!
Sincerely,
Your coach!
Joni Woods, ACC
Relationship and Communication Coach
Journey Coaching
734-436-6200
“Creating the future You want!”
