Narcissist
Gaslighting
Toxic
Manipulative
Sociopath
These are really hot psychological terms right now.
If you have been in a bad relationship lately, I have no doubt that these words have been used as weapons to hurt and accuse during the midst of an intimate issue.
It can’t be denied that gaslighting and manipulative behaviors are part of ineffective and hurtful communication, but it DOES NOT mean everyone is a narcissist or essentially toxic. In fact Gaslighting, in its simplest form, is just the INABILITY to accept responsibility for your actions in a given situation.
Gaslighting happens when someone says words like “you don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You are misinterpreting what I said”, “you are blowing it out of proportion”.
Rather than “I AM SORRY.”
Gaslighting is the attempt to stop a person from being held ACCOUNTABLE for the choices that THEY made; choices that resulted in harmful words, emotional damage, and the biggest betrayal of them all – the loss of trust.
Example: you (the offender) said a careless statement, comment or joke in passing or general teasing to a peer, family or friend – essentially someone you care about. The result – anger, hurt, frustrations and/or offenses were felt by that peer, family or friend.
Gaslighting comes in when you (the offender) feel a rush of guilt and shame for the hurt you caused and INSTEAD of accepting that your actions unintentionally caused pain to someone you care about- you want to back peddle, excuse, defend or deflect that guilt and shame. You then find yourself suggesting that the “offended” person is being too sensitive, doesn’t know what they are talking about, can’t take a joke, or they are not remembering the situation correctly, etc.
The world would be a much healthier place if instead of avoiding responsibility, we learned to accept responsibility. Instead of avoiding hard emotions, we sit with those emotions. Instead of trying to “win” we understand that NO ONE should lose in their relationships. Instead of placing blame, we grow from shame.
So how do you do this? How do we stop the vicious cycles of gaslighting, passive aggressiveness and toxicity?
By stepping back from the situation, actively listening to what the offended is saying, then sitting with and addressing your feelings.
Do you want to defend yourself because you feel shame?
Do you want to deflect because you feel guilt?
Do you want to back peddle because your intention was not to hurt?
Do you want to explain because you know that your character is better than those poor actions?
When you can face your feelings of guilt or shame, you can then accept responsibility, apologize sincerely and see your relationships grow!
It’s about providing a safe space in the relationship/friendship. A safe environment to talk, and be heard. A safe environment to process feelings and grow.
I recently encountered this with two friends of mine. Major miscommunications happened and I was deeply hurt by each situation. While both issues have been resolved, one friendship grew, and the other has ended.
One friendship gave me the space to share my hurt, while the other shut me down.
Friendship number one, stepped back, asked what happened, gave me the space to be honest and direct in sharing how our miscommunication offended me; combining active listening on their part resulted in a deeper understanding of the situation, where the misunderstanding occurred, and friendship number one sincerely apologized!
Friendship number two, had seen it’s share of conflicts and they continued to dismiss my frustrations and hurts – even after I was able to give precise examples of the situations that had occurred. The last situation that arose, I told this person the words that were said and they came back with “I never said that” and turned it around on me, suggesting that I was projecting onto them.
Gaslighting 101.
In most circumstances it’s best to take a break from the conversation and come back when both individuals are ready to actively listen and provide a safe space to share. Easier said than done sometimes, but when there is genuine care and love for one another – laying down your pride shouldn’t be that hard.
That safe space only becomes available when you are willing to step back and sit with your feelings. Helping you to respond rather than react!
Join me on Tuesday May 2nd, at 8am, Weber’s Restaurant, as I discuss Effective Communication and Active Listening!
Joni Woods, ACC
Relationship and Communication Coach
Dexter SunTimes News, Writer
Journey Coaching
734-436-6200
Journeylifecoaching.life
Joniwoods.com
“Creating the future You want!”
