One of the therapists I follow – said “what is ruining relationships is unrealistic expectations and unresolved childhood trauma.” As she continued to expand on this she says “we believe another person should complete us. Make us happy. And take us away from all the negative feelings. But the reality is: no one person can do this for us. A relationship is something we build *with* another person through hard work, self reflection and vulnerability.”
And she is completely right.
It’s that vulnerability that stops us from engaging fully in our relationships. The feeling when you know you are exposed- weaknesses, insecurities or fear can be seen.
Last night, I sat down to have a tough discussion with my special someone. It was a conversation that I had been keeping from him because he has enough going on and I didn’t want to burden him with my drama – because I have no expectation for him to be involved in this drama. Nevertheless, I wanted to keep him informed in case it begins to bleed into our budding relationship.
What I meant to be a quick FYI sort of conversation turned into an hour long chat and I realized that every time I got uncomfortable I would wrap my coat around me just a little bit tighter.
The more I shared about what was/had been going on for the last month (and better half of last year), the more I had to feel the emotions that have been weighing on me.
Hurt
Anger
Disappointment
Tired
Disappointment
Grief
Disappointment
Hurt
I’m not one who hides my emotions well. If I’m feeling something it’s written all over my face – so as I wrestled with the emotions I would wrap my jacket around me in a vain attempt to stop the exposure.
People often don’t recognize when they are being triggered, when they are feeling exposed and lean into it. They disengage from the conversation, they put walls up, or they simply change the topic to move on from it.
I sat across from the table of someone I love and watched as they sat up as straight and tight as could be. And all I wanted to do was reach across the table and hold their hand. Because while I can’t take them away from all of their negative feelings, I sure as hell want to love and support them through their feelings!
I was grateful for the conversation with my guy last night. He didn’t try to fix anything, he listened with compassion and recognized that I am in alot of pain from this situation. He created a safe space for me to let my weaknesses show – my disappointment in the situation as well as the frustration and failure I feel on a personal and relational level.
And then he hugged me and kissed me and I felt our relationship elevate.
Tough conversations do not not ruin relationships, they build them!
Keep having those hard conversations, build trust through creating safe spaces – grow your emotional intelligence and connection! I promise – it is worth it!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Your Coach,
Joni Woods
