I was supposed to share a life update at one of my board meetings this morning. I had taken the time to write out exactly what I wanted to say. Because I wanted to be prepared to authentically share.
I never showed up.
My adrenaline (fight or flight) kicked in and I had spent the last 24 hours with a racing heart, high blood pressure and so much fear.
While I can’t tell you why I chickened out (though I could probably give an educated guess) what I do know is I woke up at 4:30am and tried to talk myself into going to my meeting – but by 7:30 am sent a message to the board president and told him I would not be attending.
I wanted to be ready. I wanted to share. I wanted to feel safe with my group and know that being vulnerable was okay. 😔
However, I never got there. I don’t know if I will ever get there….nevertheless, I want to! I know that my experiences are not far from what others go through – even if it takes us a while to get there – we can all suffer in life. We can all be fearful of showing our true selves, we can all be weary of trusting those around us; however, I know the intimacy and connection that happens when we do give trust – far outweighs the loneliness we feel when we can’t trust those around us.
I hope my fear evaporates.
Until then – here is what I was going to share.
“Well we all know how the start of my summer went. At our last meeting, I had asked him to just skip over everything but I did want to give an update now.
The fire was almost ten weeks ago and the kids and I have moved 6 different times.
We are set to land in our final home on August 20 and I feel like I am holding my breath because unfortunately I do suffer from a lot of fear and anxiety right now.
June was probably the worst month of my life.
I don’t say that lightly.
I don’t say that dramatically.
In the last seven years I have had two miscarriages, lost both of my parents, walked my children through the loss of my ex husband – even been homeless for a minute – so I am very familiar with grief and loss.
But I have never experienced the kind of absolute hopelessness and complete loss of control – that I felt during the month of June.
It felt like I was trying to run on quicksand.
As if EVERY aspect of my life was held in the hands of other people.
People who didn’t know or care about how hopeless I felt in my life.
Things got better in July – as I found more stable places for us to stay, the insurances started to get paid out, and I felt like I could be in control of my life again. So as a family we hunted for houses, bought new cars, started to purchase the basics that we had gone without- simple joys like cooking were celebrated!
The most unexpected surprise was how well the business side of my life is going. In June I was sure I’d have to give up coaching, and all of my dreams of coaching and helping relationships and people and living my dreams.
But in the previous six months- I had little moments cross my path which have since turned into bigger opportunities and I couldn’t be more cautiously optimistic about the path I’m on. I truly believe big things are coming! It’s incredibly scary.
Everyone always asks about the kids.
They are actually doing just fine.
They make me feel like a superhero.
To be fair, they don’t spend their nights looking at finances and budgets and expenses- but they have not once expressed any fear about the next step in our journey. I feel so encouraged and strengthened by their confidence in me. They never doubted that I would see us through this. I can’t tell you just how much that helped me find solid ground.
I have brought them along with me in every step of this rebuilding. Mortgages, house hunting, rejection, acceptances, inspections, rentals, car purchases, therapy and soooo much more. The life lessons have been so good. My son has since joined the conflict resolution team at his high school.
I don’t know how I was allowed to raise such amazing children but I don’t take it for granted.
They like to make fun of my PTSD and the crazy amount of adrenaline that kicks in whenever I’m triggered.
My emotional bandwidth is pretty short- I didn’t even want to be here on this call- and I will most likely drop out of meetings a lot earlier than I should.
So please be patient and you can definitely encourage/challenge me to stay. All of it helps – I essentially need to feel safe – so my kids enjoying teasing me saying “mom we are fine” . It actually helps me keep my PTSD under control (and with the help of my therapist). That and the amazing support of so many close friends who have seen the absolute worst parts of me and have continued to love, care and show up for me and my family.
I have learned countless lessons – but the biggest is giving myself grace. I have failed my personal expectations of walking through a tremendous crisis, in a lot of ways and those closest to me (who I love so very much) have had to carry the brunt of my very challenging emotions.
But I’m just as human as the next person, I need to accept responsibility for my actions and then move on- and pray that those closest to me extend the same grace.
I’m looking forward to a fresh start in a few weeks.
New home, new school year, and new business opportunities!
The kids would love to see me in a relationship and happy – they keep asking when I am going to start dating – but there’s no time or emotional space for that.
I just want to network and keep growing my business!
So please send ANY and all opportunities my way!
Words of advice to avoid my life situation – have a fire extinguisher close! Be prepared to leave everything behind, and don’t go back in for the animals, they most definitely find their way out of the house!”
That was it.
That was me.
I couldn’t show up to share this.
I have failed communicatively and emotionally in so many ways.
Everyone tells me it’s okay – but I feel like a failure and that has kept me isolated. I wanted to be better under pressure. I wanted to recognize the projection before it happened.
I wanted to not ruin relationships but make them better.
I failed.
What I have ahead of me is a fresh start.
August 20th is my fresh start.
Go back to just the very basics of my life. Guard myself, my heart and just live the best, simple life that I can!!
