It’s been a while since I have HAD to put thoughts to paper. I would love to say that I am here because all is well – but that is just not the case.
I have no problem admitting that I have BIG feelings.
I have NO problem admitting that I feel those BIG feelings in a BIG way!
But where I am struggling right now is that I am having SO many BIG emotions that I am FEELING in so MANY ways!
It’s incredibly difficult!
The first and main source of my emotional overload is my book.
The book was a dream I had given up on.
Not just put it on the backburner.
The book felt like it was so outside of the scope of the life I was trying to build – there was no way it could be used to make an impact now, right?
So well color me surprised when I got such positive feedback from day one of the publishing process. To be fair, that may be my overwhelming insecurity at work.
I rarely feel good enough, qualified enough, smart enough, attractive enough – any sort enough, I can promise you I rarely ever feel like I measure up.
So the feedback had been astronomical. I wrote this book in the middle of the night between 2016/2017. 18-20 months of just journaling all of my experiences. Everything I was learning. Everything I was feeling. Every fear, every regret, every joy, every tear.
As I dusted off the book, as I prepped for the first part of the edits, reliving those experiences was, well it was, okay.
I enjoyed my first run through of it. I could see where all of my current passions and core beliefs stemmed from. In that first run of my book, I advocated for healthy relationships. Because well let me tell you – I had NO FUCKING IDEA that there were other marriages just as miserable as mine was.
I just didn’t.
I’d look at marriages around me and they seemed content, happy, enjoyable, intimate, sexual etc. I never imagined that there were other people in such miserable states.
Here’s where shit gets tricky – I was told, raised to believe, blueprinted, that there was always one who was right and one who was wrong.
In that time of my life, relationships were not about collaboration.
Building and growing into amazing and supportive partnerships.
Relationships were about someone showing up in their role, and the other person showing up in their role.
So my role – in its ascribed context – was absolutely miserable.
Again, a life I had lived, knew very well, and could share.
That part of the book didn’t get to me.
What took me down so many emotional turns was when my editors asked me for history/background/context.
Why would anyone want to get on board with some random woman choosing divorce, if they couldn’t understand why the DECISION TO DIVORCE was so monumental.
If relationships are all about a role we are “supposed to play” – and we have now “failed” that role – are we accepting failure or embracing our shortcomings? Where I struggle the most is that I want to be everything for everyone. And I cannot.
I am an imperfect person.
There’s the first part of reliving this book trauma. I am imperfect and well I was okay with the fact that I may never measure up, I fear that I will always fail.
The second part of my book trauma was when the editors asked me to drop into my childhood trauma.
There you will find:
Emotional abuse
Physical abuse
Mental abuse
Religious abuse
It’s overwhelming.
Not because I didn’t know that I had gone through all of this shit. In fact. For 15 years of my marriage I spent 8 years in therapy. Pretty sure, I got some shit worked out.
But what I wasn’t prepared for, what the book brought back to me – so front and center – was that there is a whole movement of people, people in pain, people struggling to reconcile the religious abuse they encountered … .that contributed to so much misery in so many relationships. These people are looking to find an anchor.
I am not an anchor. I do not want to, nor have I ever wanted to be. I’m not a poster child. I’m not a national advocate. In fact, I am not a victim. Because in the end, I was part of the problem. I tooted “the line”. I taught philosophies and mandates that I believe did so much more damage than it could ever do good.
So I struggle. I struggle with what is being asked of me, because I fear I will fail another generation of men and women who do not know how to navigate a belief while establishing boundaries and a passion.
My passion is to LOVE.
All I have ever wanted to do was love those closest to me – with so much abandon that they would never question my devotion to them. I love SO big. I love IN so many ways. I love with all of me. Dedicating every part of myself to those I love.
This flooding of horrific memories, never feeling loved in my childhood, being reminded that I didn’t/couldn’t protect my children from their own trauma – has me gasping for breath.
Longing to curl up in the strong arms of a man who I love and who loves me back.
An experience I do not have.
A vacant position in my life.
I do not have anyone I can stand in front of, with tears streaming down my face, knowing he will hold onto me until I am ready to let go.
I know right now – I wish I wasn’t living this life by myself.
I have had more victories in the last few months than I could have ever imagined possible. I am getting blessing upon blessing.
This is the only way I have been able to stay afloat.
But I am still so lonely.
My heart longing to love someone.
I have so much love to give, and I can’t.
I want to love and be loved. I want to celebrate and be celebrated. I want to give and enjoy. I want to feel safe and challenged! I want to know that my conversations are growing our emotional intelligence in ways that cannot really be defined!
I have such high standards for my future – however, surprisingly low expectations. I’m waiting for each to be blown beyond measure.
So bottomline – I am reliving some really horrific past trauma, doing my best to lean into the gratitude of an amazing entrepreneur life, and longing for an intimate connection that will provide the safe space for me to feel all of my BIG feelings!