“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” –Stephen R. Covey
Years ago I had a terrible habit of starting books and not finishing them. I love to read – I can go to a bookstore and pick up way too many books and just dive into all of them. One might think that the issue is then – stop buying so many books at once. However, that was not the source of the problem. What I found myself doing is reading about two thirds of a book and then believing I knew how it was going to end.
I had made an assumption on the outcome. I had evaluated the rest of the book without reading it.
It was a bad habit I had gotten myself into. I recognized that it not only meant I missed out on some more insights, I wanted to do a check on my arrogance! Who was I, to think that I was done learning from that particular author. Who was I, to think that I didn’t need to further my understanding of a particular topic.
One of the foundational principles for Effective Communication is the ability to observe a situation, a conversation, a conflict WITHOUT making an evaluation.
That means that when someone’s behavior changes- I DO NOT assume they are mad at me. I ask “are you mad at me?”
That means that when someone doesn’t return my calls or messages, I DO NOT assume that they are ignoring me. I ask “Are you intentionally ignoring me?”
I stop my wildly insecure self from falling into a pit of self doubt filled with loads of fear of rejection; and I ask questions.
When you ask questions – you stop the escalation. Not only the escalation of a potential issue, but the escalation of one’s fears, doubts and insecurities. You put a brake on a potential conflict so you can better hear what is actually being said; not what you ASSUME is trying to be conveyed.
Working to OBSERVE and not EVALUATE is without a doubt one of the harder steps to Effective Communication- and I myself struggle to do it well.
Observing means you continue to take in information, without adding your opinion to the conversation. Many, myself included, can struggle with that. We see through our own lenses and long to reach a quick conclusion, and a quick resolution.
If you are a work in progress like me- and need some guidance on how to observe a situation or conflict – WITHOUT adding your evaluation to it- reach out! I’d love work with you on the foundations of Effective Communication!
Or join me at 8am on Tuesday May 2nd, 2023 at Weber’s Restaurant as I discuss Effective Communication!
Joni Woods, ACC
Relationship and Communication Coach
Journey Coaching
734-436-6200
Journeylifecoaching.life
Joniwoods.com
“Creating the future You want!”
